To Know and Be Known

Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.

But what I like about [Arthur Aron’s] study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me . . . [Love as an action is] about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known.

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

– Mandy Len Catron

Excerpted from "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This"
The New York Times
January 9, 2015

Related Off-site Links:
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love – Daniel Jones (The New York Times, January 9, 2015).
36 Questions for Intimacy, Back Story – Elaine Aron (The Huffington Post, January 16, 2015).
Respect, Trust, Communication, and Sex: All Parts of a Great Relationship – David W. Shelton (Skipping to the Piccolo, July 12, 2014).
Gay Men in Monogamous Relationships: What Works? – Adam D. Blum (10 Thousand Couples, January 1, 2013).
Eight Surprising (and Scientifically Proven) Things That Lead to a Lasting Marriage – Amanda Scherker (The Huffington Post, December 15, 2014).
Five Studies That Offer Fascinating Conclusions About Human Sexuality – Jessica Gross (TED Blog, February 20, 2014).
The Rise of "Mostly Straight" Dudes—Why Men's Sex Lives Are More Complicated Than You Think – Nico Lang (The Daily Dot, January 30, 2015).
The Search for Sex: What Big Data Reveals and Conceals About Our Desires, Our Bodies and Our Many Insecurities – Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (The New York Times, January 24, 2015).

See also the previous Wild Reed posts:
• To Be Held and to Hold
• The Longing for Love: God's Primal Beatitude
• Love as Exploring Vulnerability
• Marriage: "Part of What is Best in Human Nature"
• Passion, Tide and Time
• The Art of Surrender
• "Make Us Lovers, God of Love"
• The Gravity of Love
• Sons of the Church: The Witnessing of Gay Catholic Men: A Discussion Guide
• Sometimes I Wonder . . .
• Be Just in My Heart
• Sex as Mystery, Sex as Light (Part 1)
• Sex as Mystery, Sex as Light (Part 2)
• Beyond Limited Ideas of "Real" Gay Sex
• A "Truly Queer Theory" on Sex

Image: Subjects and photographer unknown.